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Music Humor
Here is music-related humor I thought you might enjoy. Some text, some links,
some insulting (I apologize in advance for any offense given).
Instrument Jokes
Many of these instrument jokes came, in one form or another, from either href="http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/other-instrument-jokes.html">a site at
M.I.T. or the href="http://www.actrix.gen.nz/users/dgold/fun/index.html">New Zealand Symphony
Orchestra's home page. Both of these sites have other fun stuff, too.
String players' motto: "Better sharp than out of tune."
Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.
Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin.
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A:
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the
Majesty of God, and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard
to get into and out of cars.
Q: How long does a harp stay in tune?
A: About 20 minutes or until
someone opens a door.
Q: How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.
Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.
Q: What is the definition of a major second?
A: Two baroque oboes playing
in unison.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon
recital.
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one,
but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
Q: What's the definition of "nerd?"
A: Someone who owns his own alto
clarinet.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
A #1: Lawn
mowers sound better in small ensembles.
A #2: The neighbors are upset if you
borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
A #3: The grip.
Q: What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
A:
The exhaust.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A:
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
A #1:
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very
still.
A #2: It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
Q: How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
A #1: Take your
hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
A #2: Take your hand out
of the bell and miss all of the notes!
Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone
but doesn't.
Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
A: An optimist.
Q: What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your
hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A: Because a man blows in
it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't
have to retrain the drummers.
Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.
Q: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the
ground first?
A: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to
ask directions.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
A: You can
negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro
offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.
Q: How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in
her ear.
Q: What's the definition of an alto?
A: A soprano who can sight-read.
Q: Where is a tenor's resonance?
A: Where his brain should be.
Q: How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They're
so macho they prefer to walk around in the dark and bang their shins.
Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high
school choral performance?
A: The tennis final has more men.
Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two
million.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On
the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A choral director with a
mortgage.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: The chain
saw has greater dynamic range.
Q: What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
A: "Isn't that
the banjo player's Porsche?"
Q: What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the
defendant please rise?"
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course
it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his
mouth?
A: The stage is level.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him some
printed music.
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead
singer noticed?
Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story
building, which one lands first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi
stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good
start.
Q: What's a bassoon good for?
A: Kindling for an accordion fire.
Q: Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
A: To get away from the
noise.
Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a viola off a 20-story
building, which one lands first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi
stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good
start.
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
A Primer for Beginners
original attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray, with help from Uncle
Plunky
emendations by Martha Beth Lewis
Most Blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'."
It is usually bad to start
the Blues with "I got a good woman" unless you stick something mean in the next
line. Example: "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find
something else that rhymes. Sort of. Example: "Got me a good woman with the
meanest dog in town...oh, yeah!...Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in
town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and he weigh 'bout 500 pound."
Blues cars are Chevys, Cadillacs, and broke down trucks circa 1957.
Other
acceptable Blues transportation are a Greyhound bus or a "southbound train."
Note: A BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, mini-van, or sport utility vehicle is NOT a Blues
car.
"Walkin'" plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die"
and "findin' a good woman."
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Only adults sing the Blues.
Adulthood,
when it comes to the Blues, means old enough to get the electric chair if you
shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the Blues in New York City or Los Angeles but not in New Haven
or Phoenix. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues,
but Abilene, Mobile, and New Orleans are ok in a pinch.
The following colors do NOT belong in the Blues: antique violet, champagne,
mauve, taupe, and peach.
Blues is not a matter of color, however. Tiger Woods can't sing the blues;
Sonny Liston can.
You can't have the Blues in an office building or a shopping mall; the
lighting is all wrong. Other bad places for the Blues: Kmart, gallery openings,
and the supermarket.
Good places for the Blues: a jail house, your mama's
back porch, beside the highway, bottom of a rot-gut whiskey glass, or a solitary
room in a fleabag hotel.
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit or anything by Ralph
Lauren.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
?your first name is a
southern state. Example: Georgia
?you're blind
?you shot a man in
Memphis.
No, if:
?you're deaf
?anyone in your family drives a Lotus
?you
have a trust fund.
Yanni, Julio Iglesias, and Barbara Streisand may not sing the Blues. Ever.
If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other
Blues beverages are:
?malt liquor
?Irish whiskey
?muddy water
.
Thunderbird wine
?one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer. At the same time.
Blues beverages are NOT:
?a mai-tai
?a glass of Chardonnay
?a Yoo
Hoo (all flavors)
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed
in the back by a jealous lover is also a Blues way to die. So is the electric
chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It
is NOT a Blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
Some Blues Names for women: Sadie, Louise, Bessie, and Baby.
Women's
names which are NOT Blues names: Heather, Jennifer, Emily, and Alexandra.
Some Blues Names for men: Joe, Willie, Joe Willie, Hank, and Po' Boy.
Men's names which are NOT Blues names: Geoffrey, Damian, and Keith.
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will NOT be permitted to sing the
Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Need a Blues Name? Try this mix and match starter kit.
?name of physical
infirmity (Blind, Asthmatic, etc.) or character flaw (Dishonest, Low Down,
etc.)
?or substitute name of a fruit (Lemon, Fig, Persimmon); or use first
-and- fruit names
?finish with the last name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Low Down Persimmon Johnson; One-Handed Fig
Fillmore.
Need a Blues instrument? Play one or more of the following and alternate with
husky voice riffs:
?harmonica
?gih-tar
?fiddle
?sax
?pie-anner
(in need of tuning)
-Now- you're ready to sing the Blues! Unless you own a computer.
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store
and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner
gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the
corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, amazed, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big
red accordion' is the radiator."
The violinist Fritz Kreisler was out strolling with a friend when they came
upon a fish market. Kreisler looked down at the fish, seeing row upon row of
staring eyes and gaping mouths. Suddenly, he smacked his hand to his forehead.
"I'm late for a concert!"
TOBY APPEL'S GUIDE TO THE ORCHESTRA
The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are
woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the percussion. There's also someone
standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This
would be the conductor. It is generally required that the conductor is required
to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a
cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is
necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything
to do with someone from another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite
serious about their food.
Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation, let me set the record
straight in plain English about some of the characteristics which typify the
four groups.
Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid-genius range. Nerds with
coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering
behind bizarre-looking contraptions - - their instruments - - so nobody will
notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or
female.
String players are neurotic prima donnas who won't even shake your hand for
fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you directly in the
eye. They never bathe carefully - - or often.
Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone, with the
possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick
their hair back. Nobody knows why.
Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at
the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire
but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They are always male, or
close enough.
Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside
of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we
will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective - - if not
respected - - players within each section.
The Woodwinds:
Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the
extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly
instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all
their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although
they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world's
greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small.
They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly
annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special.
English horn players are losers, although they dress better than oboists.
They cry at the drop of a beret.
Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they
come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's an
instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the
impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that
the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard
for a minute in any given evening. In order to keep their jobs, however - - and
this is their only real concern - - they act up a storm doing their very best to
look busy, usually by raising and lowering their eyebrows at an alarming rate.
It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are
available at pawnshops in large numbers - - the instruments as well as the
players - - and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not
quite as loudly or beautifully.
Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket
here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the
orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping with
everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even
worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard
line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe
distance.
The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments
to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen.
Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs,
and exotic sports cars. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in
music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various
sizes and keys - - nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they
are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the
saxophone. Big deal.
The Stings: Let's continue now with the real truth about this section. We
begin with the string family's smallest member: the violin. The violin is a
high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It's not an easy instrument to play. Lots
of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist
to keep in mind are: Number one - - the door to your studio should be left
slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number
two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever
possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you should tell everyone
how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool.
The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which, when played, sounds
downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string
section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don't like to be made fun of
and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They wear shabby
clothes so that they'll look as if they've just been dragged under a train. It
works quite well.
People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally
chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its
player's considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis, which won't end until
they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible
shoes and always bring their own lunch.
Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their
way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a
secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at least
ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folks
disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?
Plucked and Hammered Strings:
Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into
their late eighties. Although rare as hen's teeth, male harpists are equally
beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye-batting,
little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind players into carrying
their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right - - harpists spend half
their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the most. They
have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, also have the
biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their
excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the
poor darlings.
The Brass:
Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look
good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world, but they lie
like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but
watch out come concert time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor,
defenseless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it.
Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.
Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. They do tend to
drink quite heavily, however, and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights
on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you. They don't count well but stay
pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid
they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are
unusually good bowlers. This is true. They're the folks to call with all your
pharmaceutical questions.
Regarding the French horn, I have only two words of advice: stay away. Horn
players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife given
half a chance - - or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't
afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note,
they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it
doesn't smell so sweet.
The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd
give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to
take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per
orchestra. Would that it could be different.
The Percussion:
These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing
whistles and hitting things don't deserve the considerable space they are
allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all
percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather
revealing fact is, there are no written percussion parts in the standard
orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands, and they do use
them - - to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever
they damn well feel like it, and it's always too loud! The ones with a spark of
decency and intelligence play timpani.
Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play tipani pretend to tune their
instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily-duped conductor.
The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's
also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't
practice - - I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those
things at the concert.
Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite
often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections
can be seen now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they
practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant
challenge to a percussionist.
And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened
you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra.
This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day
survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more
understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And
so, the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look
deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more
difficult their lives are than yours.
This is surely what's on their minds ... if anything.
German Piano Lesson
author unknown
Piano:
Plinkenplankenplunkenbox
Piano Stool:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxspinnensitz
Pianist:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder
Piano Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowen-spielen
Fathers at the Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowen-spielensnoozengruppe
Mothers at the Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowen-spielensnoozengruppeuppenwakeren
According to a story in the San Francisco Chronicle, the wall above
one of the fixtures in the ladies' room of a Sausalito caf?bore the sign,
"Please Wiggle Handel," under which someone had scrawled, "If I do, will it
Wiggle Bach?"
A Glossary of Musical Terms for Viola da Gambists
by Wolfgang A. Rattelmacher
(from Journal of the Viola da Gamba
Society of America)
ACCIDENTALS: wrong notes
AGITATO: one's state of mind when a peg slips in
the middle of a piece
AUGMENTED FIFTH: a 36-ounce bottle
BREVE: the way a
sustained note sounds when you run out of bow
CADENCE: when everybody hopes
you're going to stop, but you don't
FINAL CADENCE: when they force you to
stop
CANTUS FIRMUS: the part you get when you can only play four
notes
COUNTERTENOR: a singing waiter
CUT TIME: when you're going twice as
fast as everybody else
DUCTIA: (Latin, 2nd declension); a lot of
mallards
ESTAMPIE: what you put on letters in Quebec
FINE: that sounded
just great!
DA CAPO AL FINE: I like your hat!
HEMIOLA: an hereditary blood
disease caused by chromatics
ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: when some members of the
consort got a different copy than the others
MEAN-TONE TEMPERAMENT: one's
state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time
MINNESINGER: a
boy soprano
MUSICA FICTA: when you lose your place and have to bluff the
notes
PIZZICATO: a small Italian pie garnished with cheese, anchovies,
etc.
POSITION: acrobatics needed to play the viol
DISPOSITION: getting on
the wrong fret
IMPOSITION: being forced to play above the top
frets
INDISPOSITION: selling the viol and buying a recorder
QUAVER:
beginning viols
SEMI-QUAVER: intermediate viols
RUBATO: German
measles
SUPERTONIC: Schweppes
DIATONIC: Low-calorie Schweppes
VIBRATO:
the villain in Handel's oratorio Arpeggio et Tessitura
Your Viola Questions Answered
by Professor Hans Orff
Q. Should the beard be worn inside or outside the shirt when playing the
viola?
A. This is a tricky one. The usual answer is "inside for Baroque and outside
for Romantic." Of course, problems arise with music from the Classical period,
such as Mozart, Gruntfutter, Stamitz, Schimmelfarb, Haydn, and Hummel. A good
compromise is to wear a waistcoat and tuck the beard into that unobtrusively
while re-tuning for slow movements. In fast passages, the player naturally will
want the beard to fly free.
Q. Can playing the viola damage my health?
A. The simple answer to this is: not if done in moderation. Ardent young
players probably will want to play the viola once a day and may even have an
uncontrollable urge to try the viola d'amore (or, in extreme cases, the viola da
caccia). As middle age approaches, however, three times a week is a good
regimen. I know happily-married violists who take the viola out only once a
week.
Q. Sometimes when I get up in the morning and take my viola out of the case,
I find that it has grown from 15 to 18 inches. Is this normal?
A. The problem of viola size is one that can never be resolved to everyone's
satisfaction. The case you are describing is called Parallax Phenomenon, in
which, if the player has imbibed strong beverages the night before, the viola
will, indeed, seem larger in the morning. If the player closes the eyes and
relaxes for 10 minutes, the sensation will pass, in most cases. Sometimes a cold
shower will do the trick. If symptoms persist, you (or your viola) should see a
doctor without further delay.
Literature for the Viola da Caccia
by Professor Hans
Orff
I am often asked, especially by my mother, about the viola da caccia. What
can we learn from study of this instrument (provided we can find one)? What
literature is available? Which pieces in the repertoire are best?
As you may know, the viola da caccia was principally played on horseback
during the hunt. Its 14 sympathetic strings - - to say nothing of its 27
unsympathetic strings - - left the player very little scope for managing the
horse well. Hence, the number of these priceless artifacts which were smashed
and the many virtuosi who were permanently crippled or even killed by falling
from their mounts remains yet to be catalogued. The interrogator is quite
correct, therefore: it may be difficult to find an instrument.
As to what you might learn, I do not know.
As to literature, the outdoor curse touches posterity here, as well. Judging
from the remaining repertory, we must assume that many of the best pieces were
blown away, eaten by dogs, used to wrap the remains of lunch, or rendered sodden
by inclement weather. These same factors, in slightly different form, may also
figure in the paucity of instruments.
Let us move on to the literature which does remain. It is a rather uneven
assembly, in terms of quality. Here are some of the less-offensive oeuvre:
- Sonata for Heckelphone, Viola da Caccia, and Kazoo (Paul Hittenmiss)
- Trio for Stringless Viola da Caccia, Timpani Stick, and Euphonium
Mouthpiece (KarlHeinz Zwangsarbeit)
- Silent Vibration for Prepared Piano and Unprepared Viola da Caccia
(Johannes K?ig)
- Nonet for E-Flat Hoover, B-Flat Hair Dryer, Unpitched Kitchen Mixer, and
Six Violas da Caccia (O. Nono)
- Fantasy Sonata for Highland Bagpipes, Viola da Caccia, and Harp (Sir
Egbert Blax)
All are published by Dummkopf u. W?felspiel, except for the Nono Nonet, which
is available from Edizione Chaotica Roma.
Do-It-Yourself Country Western Song Kit
I met her (1) (2). I can still recall (3) she wore.
(1) at a hoedown
at rehearsal
on the highway
at a truckstop
(2)in September
down in Memphis
close to Nashville
wrestlin' gators
(3) the purple dress
those Wal-Mart boots
that fuzzy wig
that Mozart
hat
She was (4) (5), and I knew (6).
(4) sobbin' at the tollbooth
drinkin' Dr. Pepper
crawlin' in the
swampgrass
playin' minor triads
(5)in the twilight
by the off-ramp
with her shoes off
near the dance
hall
(6)no guy would ever love her more.
she'd bought her dentures in a store.
that she was rotten to the core.
that she'd never use a score.
(7) (8) forever. She said to me (9).
(7) I promised her I'd
I yodeled that I'd
She asked me if I'd
I'll swear off meat and
(8) stay with her
knew deep down
wear red socks
play Satie
(9) our love would never die.
there was no other guy.
she'd have a ham
on rye.
that weddings made her cry.
But who'd have thought she'd (10) (11). (12) goodbye.
(10) run off
fiddle
play flat
sky dive
(11) with my best friend
in the choir room
in my Edsel
near Atlanta
(12) You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to
say
She sent a hired thug to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns
to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "I didn't wake up
this morning..."
Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Upon
finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing
gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an
appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it
should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Son: "Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
Mother:
"Now, son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't be both."
Q: A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which
one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had
so little use.
Q: What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral
performance?
A: The performance causes more suffering.
Q: Why do high school choruses travel so often?
A: Keeps assassins
guessing.
Q: What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered
dulcimer?
A: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns
longer.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
"Hey, buddy, how late do the Rocking Lizards play?"
"Oh, about half a
beat behind..."
Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet
concrete?
A: Not nearly enough concrete.
Angus MacDougal was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they made
such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be
playing the piano."
Minimum Safe Distances Between Street Musicians And The Public
violinist: 25 feet
bad violinist: 50 feet
tone deaf guitar player who
knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15-year-old electric guitar player with Nirvana
fixation: 100 feet
accordionist: 60 miles
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your
son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty
years!"
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of
the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He
picked up his instrument and bow and turned his attention to the conductor. The
conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with
some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
Q.: You are driving round a mountain road, and sprawled in the middle of the
road are an accordion player and a banjo player. You cannot swerve: which one
must you hit?
A.: The banjo player: duty before pleasure.
Thanks to Jim Crookham, tympanist, organist, euphonium player
Quotes from Grade School Essays on Classical Music
Source: a Missouri music teachers' newsletter.
Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not
try to sing.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I
guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from
this.
Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
An opera is a song of bigly size. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs
Nedda, who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and
they all live happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual
to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he
would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes, and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with
the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not a hearing aid.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle.
It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would
anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found
out and got in trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first
chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected
concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of
flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the
conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny, high-shape sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday
be better?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom
play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake
him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant
sound once the animal is removed.
Performance Criteria for Hiring and Promotion
in University
Music Departments
Rate the candidate/your colleague on each of the following criteria. Keep
track of how many first, second, etc. answers you give the candidate/colleague.
Quality of work:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Must take running start to leap
tall buildings with a single bound.
Leaps over short buildings only or medium
buildings with no spires.
Crashes into buildings.
Cannot recognize
buildings, much less jump over them.
Timeliness of completion:
Faster than a speeding bullet.
As fast as a speeding bullet.
Not quite
as fast as a speeding bullet.
Compares less favorably to a bullet lying on
the table.
Shoots self in foot.
Reliability of Output:
Walks on water consistency.
Walks on water in emergencies.
Washes with
water.
Drinks water.
Passes water when terrified.
Strength of Initiative:
Stronger than a locomotive.
Stronger than a bull elephant.
Stronger
than a bull.
Shoots the bull.
Smells like a bull.
Communication Skills:
Talks with God.
Talks with angels.
Talks to himself.
Argues with
himself.
Loses arguments with himself.
Publications:
Publishes books.
Writes regularly for scholarly journals.
Writes good
articles.
Writes bad articles.
Writes bad checks.
Recitals and Performance:
Frequent solos and recitals.
Knows current repertory.
Knows first 8
bars of current repertory.
Plays infrequently; instrument dusty.
Plays
golf; instrument in pawn.
Scoring:
Mostly 1: Far exceeds job requirements - - do not hire or promote, as faculty
anarchy will ensue immediately because candidate is tremendously over-qualified
or is an agent for a government organization.
Mostly 2: Exceeds job requirements - - do not hire or promote, as other
faculty will complain and be jealous.
Mostly 3: Meets job requirements - - do not hire or promote, as other faculty
will be suspicious of favoritism.
Mostly 4: Needs improvement meeting job requirements - - possible
hire/definite promotion, as other faculty will not feel threatened.
Mostly 5: Does not meet job requirements - - do not hire or promote, as
faculty anarchy will ensue immediately because candidate will have a
less-demanding job.
Hiring/Promotion Decision:
Toss score sheets in the trash. The chairperson's spouse/niece/cousin/yardman
will be hired for this position.
No promotions will be made this year. Excess funds will go toward
refurbishing chairperson's office.
Pop Quiz for String Quartets
1. How does Beethoven's Op. 18 No. 1 begin?
- down bow
- up bow
- softly, but with character
- every year
2. The best use for a metronome is to:
- learn a composer's intent regarding tempo
- determine appropriate tempo relationships
- be a practice aid
- humiliate a colleague
3. Many quartet players feel the most disconcerting audience distraction to
be:
- beeping watches during Beethoven's Cavatina
- picture-taking (with flash) during Haydn's Seven Last Words of
Christ
- rustling of cellophane candy wrappers during the slow movement of Ravel's
quartet
- loud wagering between movements of Alban Berg's Lyric Suite
4. The most important function of a cellist's endpin is to:
- keep the cello from sliding on stage during a performance
- ruin one's colleagues' living room carpet
- set off airport security alarms
- restore order during arguments at rehearsal
5. What is the best edition of Mozart quartets and why?
- B?enreiter because of its superior scholarship
- Henle because it's an Urtext edition
- Peters because it's traditional
- G. Schirmer because it's cheap
6. When it is best for the first violinist to take a solo bow?
- after Haydn's "Lark" Quartet
- after Mendelssohn's Octet
- after an all-Bach solo recital
- while everyone else is still backstage, arguing
7. The primary function of a music review is to:
- educate and enlighten the public
- promote local concerts
- inspire performers to maintain their highest standards
- make the paper thick enough to meet the demands of any untrained puppy
8. Amateur quartet players (especially doctors) have the following advantages
over professional players:
- they approach the music with freshness
- they are more concerned with musical product than technical perfection
- they own most of the world's great instruments
9. What is the most effect way to offend a concert sponsor?
- don't show up at the reception
- leave the reception after 5 minutes
- arrive on a flight other than the one the sponsor was asked to meet
10. When do most quartet first violinists leave first position?
- never
- whenever string crossings produce unwanted timbres
- only when the composer specifically indicates it (ex.: finale of
Beethoven's Op. 50, No. 3)
- when all but one string have broken
11. What is the most challenging audience?
- New York
- Vienna
- London
- any that includes present or former students
12. Certain French and Czech editions (as of Ravel and Jan?ek) are well known
to quartet players because they are:
- the most authoritative editions
- too large to fit in one's case
- printed on paper rejected by Charmin
13. When may a quartet second violinist be too loud?
- in the slow movement of the Schubert two cello quintet (but only at the
first rehearsal)
- during the Grosse Fuge (when everyone else is playing as loudly
as possible)
- when playing at the first violinist's funeral
- when his mother is in the audience
14. What should you do when you are lost in the Grosse Fuge during
rehearsal?
- try to find the place
- stop immediately
- play anything (concerto, solo sonata, ?udes, etc.)
- knock over your music stand so you have an excuse for another start
15. Most arguments in quartet rehearsals occur over:
- intonation
- phrasing
- balance
- and over
A Paen to City Life
Author Unknown
To be read aloud:
You can Telemann by where he likes to live. I just Toch a trip Orff into one
of the Wilder areas Faure Wieck, and to be Verdi Franck, it nearly drove
Menotti.
I know opinion Varese, but even Vivaldi urban noises, the Bizet traffic, De
Falla engines, as well as knowing there are Mennin the streets Callas enough to
knock your Bloch off. I couldn't resist the urge to Galuppi home early Satie,
and I Haieff to say I Still prefer the Mitropoulos. The Boyce were Sor that I
had Gibbons up and succumbed to the Riegger of the Field so easily, but I don't
give a Schuetz.
I was practically Krein from my Severacs and Pains brought on by that brief
time in the countryside! Even the sounds got my Dandrieu up; let me Liszt some
of them: the Rorem of the wind, a constant Birtwhistle, the Menuhin of the Katz,
the Lipatti-Patti-Glinka-Poulenc of the Reiner on the roof, the Gluck-Gluck of
the hens, and every morning a woodpecker or some Byrd Chopin holes in a Tree. My
only company was a Thorne Busch, a Partch of poison Ives, a Braun Babbit, and
sometimes a Wolf, nothing Moore. For a Forrest Grainger it may be Fine - it may
be the Katz Milhaud -- but I could have died of Borodin. A friend suggested my
making this Tureck; "Abegg" his pardon, but I will never go Bach to those
Gotterdaemmerung Hillis. They Suk!
No, I don't care for the Ruggles life. I like a good Mehul - - a little
Suppe, some Szigeti, maybe some Salome at my local Taverner with a little lime
Schubert after (even if they don't always clear the Crumbs off the table). And I
like to Locatelli while I'm Eaton Maderna at night. Is that asking for Egk in
Meyerbeer?
Nono! So many people Berio themselves under a Holst of problems they know
they can't Handel. Their answer is too Offenbach to nature - - into Haydn, it
seems to me. I Karajan a d'Indy life in the Berg for the most Paert. Maybe it
isn't Perle Bliss for everybody, but it's Godunov for me.
After playing the violin for the cellist Gregor Piatigorsky, Albert Einstein
asked, "Did I play well?"
"You played relatively well," replied Piatigorsky
"Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their harps and ten
percent playing out of tune."
Igor Stravinsky/Claude Debussy
When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto,
Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."
"I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if only to
discover what a cranky prostate does to one's polyphony."
James Sellars
"Exit in case of Brahms."
Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the
doors of Boston Symphony Hall
"Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like, it's always by
Villa-Lobos?"
Igor Stravinsky, who obviously was having a bad day
Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the Metropolitan Opera, "George
Szell is his own worst enemy."
"Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing.
"Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after
it has been going three hours that you look at your watch, and it says 6:20."
David Randolph
"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and
I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time."
Gioacchino Rossini
"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."
Benjamin Britten
on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress. A little short on collegiality,
aren't they?!
Musical Advice To Christmas Shoppers
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when
you have time to check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure
good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things
you decide you don't want.
More Musical Advice To Christmas Shoppers
If you go shopping early you will surely be baroque because you
can shop at each store Purcell. Yule be saying, "I wish I Haydn't did it, I
guess my sin is Grieg." I bought too many Three Stooges paraphernalia, but I
couldn't resist Mozart. Now all I see at the bottom of my checkbook are those
big, bad Berlioz. But don't worry. After shopping, yule just say, "Schumann,
let's go eat some Mexican crocodile named 'Elgar' and then we can top it off
with some Shubert." After which, I can give you a ride home in my station
Wagner.
True Ensemble Players' Golden Rules
for Ensemble Playing (or
Singing)
1. Everyone should play the same piece.
2. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the
repeat or not. The audience will love this a lot!
3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.
5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out
of tune all night with a clear conscience.
6. Take your time turning pages.
7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note, except among the
tone-deaf.
8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
9. Strive to play the maximum NPS (note per second). That way you gain the
admiration of the incompetent.
10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They
are only there to embellish the printed score.
11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up.
Everything will work itself out in the end.
12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should
tune".
13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is
theirs.
14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got
lost. Everyone will be very interested.
15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the
original.
16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes
you have left.
17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with
authority is an interpretation.
Neophyte's Guide to Choir Singers
author unknown
In any choir, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass.
Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different
personality. Sometimes these four are divided into first and second within each
part, prompting endless jokes about first and second basses.
There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contra
alto, mezzo soprano, etc. These are mostly used by people who are either
soloists, belong to some excessively hot shot classical a cappella group (this
applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not
really fitting into any of the regular voice parts. We will ignore them for now.
You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act
differently?" and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been
adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be
musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being
tenors, French horn players, timpanists, or whatever. This is beside the point,
however; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished.
Draw close, young neophyte, and you will now learn how.
THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and, because of this, they
think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier
skirts than anyone else. They consider themselves insulted if they are not
allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When
they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the
composer and/or conductor requires and then complain that their throats are
killing them and that both the composer and conductor are sadists.
Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus,
though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like
second violins to first violins - - nice to harmonize with but not really
necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and
the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why
anybody would sing in that range in the first place - - it's so boring. Tenors,
on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation
possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses),
sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is
working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos
are up there in their range (the stratosphere) showing off effortlessly. To
sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth. They sing too darn loudly, are
useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range, and there has to
be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef. Although while they
swoon while the tenors sing, they still end up going home with the basses.
THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - - in their opinion, at least. Altos are
unassuming people who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to.
Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain
about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the
other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know
otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A,
they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and
tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too
loudly (and the basses usually are, too).
Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the
sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors,because the tenors sing
in almost the same range and think they sound better. Altos like the basses and
enjoy singing duets with them - - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway,
and it's the only time the altos can really be heard.
Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they
never get to sing really loudly.
THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are
never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let
a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at
half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are always are
really good -- it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that
tenors always get swollen heads - - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon?
The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the
basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man.
In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this but just
complain louder about the composer's being a sadist and making them sing so darn
high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the
conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of
them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte
passage.
Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - - the sopranos
because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no
trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses
because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loudly
enough to drown out the tenors. Of course, the tenors would rather die than
admit any of this.
It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone
else while singing.
THE BASSES sing the lowest part. This basically explains everything. They are
stolid, dependable people and have more facial hair than anybody else. The
basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they
are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists but
certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most
boring part and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire
page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with -
- most basses are tuba players at heart.
Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their
part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes.
Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as
tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning with the tenors
more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - - except when they have
duets, and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in
an alternate universe that the basses don't understand at all. They can't
imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when
they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will
cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow,
he will end up at the root of the chord.
Top Ten Reasons...
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano
10) The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.
9) You can
entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses.
8) Can you name an
opera where an alto got the man?
7) When sopranos want to sing in the shower,
they know the tune.
6) It's not like you are ever going to sing the alto part
by accident.
5) To wear great costumes - - like the hat with the horns on
it.
4) How many world famous altos can you name?
3) When the fat lady
sings, she's usually singing soprano.
2) When you get tired of singing the
tune, you can sing the descant.
1) You can sing along with Michael Jackson.
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass
10) You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.
9) You don't
have to worry about a woman stealing your job.
8) Or a pre adolescent
boy.
7) Action heroes are always basses. That is, if they ever sang, they
would sing bass.
6) You get great memorable lyrics like "bop", "bop," "bop,"
and "bop".
5) If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always
broadcasting.
4) You never need to learn to read the treble clef.
3) If
you get a cold, so what?
2) For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range
and fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.
1) If you belch while
you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of the score.
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor
10) Tenors get high without drugs.
9) Name a musical where the bass got
the girl.
8) You can show the sopranos how it should be sung.
7)
Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 for a ticket to see The Three
Basses?
6) Who needs brains when you've got resonance?
5) Tenors never
have to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the
bookstore.
4) You get to sing along with John Denver singing "High
Calypso."
3) When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money
doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.
2) Gregorian chant was practically
invented for tenors. Nobody invented a genre for basses.
1) You can entertain
your friends by impersonating Julia Child.
Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto
10) You get really good at singing E-flat.
9) You get to sing the same
note for 12 consecutive measures.
8) You don't really need to warm up to sing
12 consecutive bars of E-flat.
7) If the choir sounds really awful, it's
unlikely the altos will be blamed.
6) You have lots of time to chat during
soprano solos.
5) You know you are better than the sopranos because everybody
knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read
music.
4) You can sometimes find part time work singing tenor.
3) Altos
get all the great intervals.
2) When the sopranos are holding some
outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last
words.
1) When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.
Top Ten Ways a Church Choir Director Can Tell
Someone He/She Can't
Sing
10. I'm sorry. We've run out of robes.
9. We need strong singers like you in the congregation to help them sing the
hymns.
8. I wouldn't want you to strain your voice.
7. Did you know singing can aggravate sinus problems?
6. We still need good people for the handbell choir.
5. Here's a book on spiritual gifts. Why don't you look through it, and we
can find another place in the church for you to minister effectively ?
4. It's a shame composers don't write more songs in your style.
3. You have a unique range - you hit both notes well.
2. Did you know there is a new Bible study starting the same night as choir
practice? I think you'd get a lot from it.
1. You have excellent posture.
More Definitions
ACCIDENTALS: The wrong notes.
AUDITION: The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the
sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
ACCELERANDO: What happens when drummers have to keep a steady beat.
CONDUCTOR: An ignorable figure capable of following numerous individuals at
once.
CUT TIME: The sudden realization that everyone else is playing twice as fast
as you are.
CRESCENDO: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
CYMBALS: Percussion instruments to be dropped while the band plays
pianissimo.
FERMATA: A chance for the conductor to catch his breath while attempting to
make his wind players pass out.
GLISSANDO: The way string players play difficult runs.
KEY CHANGE: A change in the main pitch or "tonal center" that takes full
effect three to five bars after it is noted in the music.
MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it
again.
PAGE TURN: A good way to avoid playing the hard parts.
PRACTICE: Don't worry about it. Musicians never do it anyway.
RALLENTANDO: What never seems to happen during the technical passages.
RELATIVE MINOR: A bass player's girlfriend.
RITARD: The idiot behind the stick.
SUBITO PIANO: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to
become a soloist.
TEMPO CHANGE: Signal for the musicians to ignore the conductor.
UNISON: A "minor second."
VIBRATO: A way for musicians, especially singers, to hide the fact that they
are on the wrong pitch.
Question and Answer
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They
both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It
saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A
large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a drummer?
A: About
three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone
solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax
players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually
operated, pitch approximator.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of
his electronic tuner.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A
bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can
park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers
and read music at the same time.
Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A: A music
critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola
case.
Q: What will you never do to a banjo player?
A: Point at the banjo
player's Porsche.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved
when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard
to get into and out of cars.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a
baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both
command immediate attention and alarm; and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: "Music
Minus One."
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors
actually read Greek.
Composers' Name Puns
You sure know how to Telemann from a boy.
I notice you're Offenbach here where we heat up our borscht in the Beethoven.
Nu, we don't have to ask, "Verdi go?"
It's like the tale wagging the dog, and I see she's Wagner so briskly I'm
afraid it'll Mahler, and she'll become a teeni-weeni Puccini.
If I'm not too Bizet, I guess I can cope if I go to Copeland before I
unRavel.
Maybe I should give up being a classical man and turn to rock music - - but
I'm afraid I'm not Rachmaninoff.
As Rhett Butler said, "Frankly, Scarlatti, I don't give a damn."
My pet Gerbil has a new bicycle - - it's a Gershwin.
Vivaldi puns here, I was Straussed out Faure while, but, it's better to be
pissed off than Piston.
New Recordings
These compositions may be considered basic to a
well-rounded, impressive-looking, record collection. The recorded versions cited
here are outstanding for interpretation, fidelity, or the pretty picture on the
cover.
Bach, THE ILL-TEMPERED COMPOSER
Rearguard BG 10478
Claudio Rrrowrr,
Pianist
Beethoven, "EROTICA" SYMPHONY
Telephon 900-1147-639
Amsterdam
Concertgeboom Orchestra
Bernard Hijinks, Conductor
Beethoven, INFIDELIO OVERTURE
Argive, 647801
Chorus & Orchestra
of the Vienna State Opera for the Criminally Insane
Carl Rictus, Conductor
Berlioz, "HARLOTS IN ITALY"
Seraglio 1692
William Pimpnose, Viola
Montmartre Philandermonique de Chambre
Nicolaus Hardoncourt, Conductor
Debussy, LA MERDE
Nosuch II 455
Academy of Prince Albert-in-the-Can
Sir Colin Divot, Conductor
Gershwin, RHAPSODY IN PUCE
Odium 199
MTV Symphony Orchestra
Leonard Sideburns, Conductor
Liszt, LES QUAALUDES
Angle DS 144356
Orchestra de la Suisse Watch
Karl Boom, Conductor
Mendelssohn, ACCIDENTAL MUSIC TO A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM
Capitalist
3777
Bathroom Festival Orchestra
Daniel Barenbomb, Conductor
Mendelssohn, PEACE MARCH OF THE PRIESTS
Deutsche Gestalt Gem?lichtkeit
3330-676
Stuttgart Chamber of Commerce Orchestra
Raymond Leper,
Conductor
Mozart, THE MAGIC SLATE
Argyle ML 34277
Chorus & Orchestra of the
Royal Opera House Covert Garden
Sir Adrian Dolt, Conductor
Mozart, SYMPHONIE DISCONCERTANTE
Enigma 67934
Tom Glamoore, Violin;
Pamela McCuddles-Edelweiss, Viola
The Fitz William Hippocampus Consortium of
Miami University School of Meedicine
Akira Nintendo, Conductor
Offenbach, ORPHEUS IN HIS UNDERWEAR
Erratum STU 77080
I Solisti di
Zig-Zagreb
Loren Mazeltov, Conductor
Orff, CARMINA PIRANHA
Megaphon 3455 33
Academy of St.
Christopher-on-the-Dashboard
Sir Neville Marinara, Conductor
With the
Hangover Boys Choir
Prokofiev, PETER AND THE IMPERIALIST
Turnover TVA 72333
Eastman Kodak
Symphony Orchestra
Howard Handsome, Conductor
Purcell, TRUMPET INVOLUNTARY
Serigraph S 52222
Disneyland Wind
Ensemble
Wilhelm Fahrtw?gler, Conductor
Respighi, ANCIENT ERRORS AND DUNCES FOR THE LOUT
Telefunk CX342256
Dumbarton Oaks Chamber Orchestra
Rafael Freschbatch de Burgers,
Conductor
Respighi, THE PINES OF YUMA
Archaic DT347631
Halley's Comet Orchestra
Sir John Barbarian, Conductor
Rimsky-Korsakov, LE COQ AU VIN
Turnoff TWA 503477
Vienna Volkswagen
Orchestra
Richard Boinggg, Conductor
Schubert, "UNFURNISHED" SYMPHONY
Deutsche Gew?tztraminer Gazelleschaft
8988
New York Philanthropic Orchestra
Ernest Answerman, Conductor
Shostakovich, CONCERTO #1 FOR PIANO & TRUMPET
Deccadence
96534
Zoltan Coccyx, Piano; William Hips, Strumpeter
BidetPest Symphony
Orchestra
WetOld Loutoslapstick, Conductor
Smetana, THE BUTTERED BRIDE
Argot ZPG 122
Barbarian Radio
Orchestra
Hans Upp, Conductor
Stravinsky, THE FIREBUG
Arson Nova 911
Manuel de Falla Society
Orchestra
Krzysztof Painindernecki, Conductor
Tacobell, CANNON
Megaphon 3445-34
English Chamberpot
Orchestra
Claudio Abbadabba, Conductor
Tchaikovsky, TOBACCO VARIATIONS
Panatela 4739
Bert Urim-Thummin,
Cello
The Philadelphia Tabernacle Strings
Eugene Mormondy, Conductor
Tchaikovsky, MARCHE SLOB
His Master's Arse 1342
London Pandemonic
Orchestra
Michael Teeter-Totter, Conductor
Verdi, THE SICILIAN VESPAS
Superphun 90210
Royal Pain Philharmonic
Orchestra
Carl & Maria Giulini, Conductors
Children's Recordings (Recommended with reservations):
THREE COMPOSERS WHOSE NAMES YOU CAN TEACH YOUR DOG"
His Master's Voice
679
1. Bach
2. Orff
3. Bartok
"THREE COMPOSERS WHOSE NAMES YOU CAN TEACH YOUR CAT"
1. Milhaud
2.
Gliere
3. Auber
Mozart Applies for a Faculty Position
Dear Dean:
This is in response to your suggestion that we appoint Mr. Wolfgang Mozart to
our music faculty. The music department appreciates your interest, but the
faculty is sensitive about its prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues.
While the list of works and performances the candidate has submitted is very
full, it reflects too much activity outside academia. Mr. Mozart does not have
an earned doctorate and has very little formal education and teaching
experience. There is also significant evidence of personal instability evidenced
in his resume. Would he really settle down in a large state university like
ours? Would he really be a team player? I must voice a concern over the
incidents with his former superior, the Archbishop of Salzburg. They hardly
confirm his abilities to be a good team man and show a disturbing lack of
respect for authority.
Franz Haydn's letter of recommendation is noted, but Mr. Haydn is writing
from a very special situation. Esterhazy is a well-funded private institution
quite dissimilar from ours, abler than we to accommodate non-academics, like Mr.
Haydn himself. Here we are concerned about everybody, not just the most gifted.
Furthermore, we suspect cronyism on the part of Mr. Haydn.
At Mr. Mozart's interview with the musicology faculty, they found him sadly
lacking in any real knowledge of music before Bach and Handel. If he were to
teach only composition, this might not be a serious impediment. But would he be
an effective teacher of music history? The applied faculty were impressed with
his pianism, although they thought it was somewhat old-fashioned. That he also
performed on violin and viola seemed to us to be stretching versatility
dangerously thin. We suspect a large degree of dilletantism on his part.
The composition faculty was skeptical about his vast output. They correctly
warn us from their own experience that to receive many commissions and
performances is no guarantee of quality. The senior professor pointed out that
Mr. Mozart promotes many of these performances himself and has never won the
support of a major foundation.
One of our faculty members was present a year ago at the premiere of, I
believe, a violin sonata. He discovered afterwards that Mr. Mozart had not
written out all the parts for the piano before he played it. This may be very
well in that world, but it sets a poor example for our students. We expect
deadlines to be met on time, and this includes all necessary paperwork.
It must be admitted that Mr. Mozart is an entertaining man at dinner. He
spoke enthusiastically about his travels. It was perhaps significant, though,
that he and the music faculty seem to have few acquaintances in common.
One of our female faculty members was deeply offended by his bluntness. She
even had to leave the room after one of his endless parade of anecdotes. This
propensity of his to excite the enmity of some is hardly conducive to the
establishment of the comity which we aspire to maintain on our faculty, let
alone the image that we wish to project to the community at large.
We are glad as a faculty to have had the chance to meet this visitor, but we
cannot recommend his appointment. Even if he were appointed, this is almost no
hope of his being granted tenure. The man simply showed no interest in going to
school to collect his doctorate. This is egotism at its zenith.
Please give our regards to Mr. Mozart when you write him. We wish him our
very best for a successful career. All are agreed, though, that he cannot
fulfill the needs of this department.
We wish to recommend the appointment of Antonio Salieri, a musician of the
highest ideals and probity that accurately reflect the aims and values that we
espouse. We would be eager to welcome such a musician and person to our faculty.
Sincerely yours,
The Chair and Faculty of the Department of Music
P.S. Some good news. Our senior professor of composition tells me there is
now a very good chance that a movement of Salieri's concerto will have its
premiere within two years. You will remember that his work was commissioned by a
foundation and won first prize nine years ago.
Quotations from Musicians
on Music and Other Musicians
It's pretty clear now that what looked like it might have been some kind of
counterculture is, in reality, just the plain old chaos of undifferentiated
weirdness.
- Jerry Garcia
My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer.
- Cole Porter
Don't bother to look. I've composed all this already.
- Gustav Mahler, to
Bruno Walter, who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.
I would rather play "Chiquita Banana" and have my swimming pool than play
Bach and starve.
- Xavier Cugat
[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every
time. They really are interested in music and art.
- Jean Sibelius,
explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.
The amount of money one needs is terrifying.
- Ludwig van Beethoven
Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a
living.
- Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer
I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my
feet.
- Niccolo Paganini
Of course I'm ambitious. What's wrong with that? Otherwise you sleep all
day.
- Ringo Starr
Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or
three seats.
- Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Mich.
If one hears bad music, it is one's duty to drown it by one's
conversation.
- Oscar Wilde
Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
- Mel
Brooks
Life can't be all bad when for 10 dollars you can buy all the Beethoven
sonatas and listen to them for 10 years.
- William F. Buckley Jr.
You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go
slow.
- Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- Mark Twain
I love Beethoven, especially the poems.
- Ringo Starr
If a young man at the age of 23 can write a symphony like that, in five years
he will be ready to commit murder.
- Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland
There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major.
- Sergei
Prokofiev
I never use a score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a
cage with a book on how to tame a lion?
- Dimitri Mitropoulos
God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way.
-
Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player
Already too loud!
- Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American
orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments
I really don't know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris, or
whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere.
- Frederic Chopin
When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed
his name off the piano.
- Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller
Never look at the trombones. It only encourages them.
- Richard Strauss
In opera, there is always too much singing.
- Claude Debussy
Oh how wonderful, really wonderful, opera would be if there were no
singers!
- Gioacchino Rossini
Movie music is noise. It's even more painful than my sciatica.
- Sir
Thomas Beecham
I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the 20th
century that has made giant strides in reverse.
- Bing Crosby
Answer to the Question:
"I've just bought a sax from your store
and
would love to know how to play it."
First things first. Since you're a white guy, you'll need a stupid hat, the
more stupid the better and preferably a beret. Sunglasses are optional, but all
the really, really good players wear them, especially indoors. You'll also need
some "gig shirts" -- Hawaiians are good, in a pinch anything with a loud floral
pattern is acceptable, as are T shirts from various jazz clubs and festivals.
The good thing about the latter is that you can get them by mail order, so you
don't have to go to all the trouble of actually seeing live music. And sandals
are an absolute must, even in winter.
Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of the
most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the
audience. This you do through various facial expressions. The two emotions
you'll need to convey are (1) rapture/ecstasy and (2) soul wrenching pain and
sadness (i.e., the blues).
You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the method
acting school. So, for example, to convey rapture try thinking of something
nice, like puppy dogs.
To convey the "blues" try thinking of something really really appalling, like
rap. You should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least
two hours per day.
You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never get the chicks if you
don't jump around on stage like a monkey with your face all contorted. And
bottom line, chicks is really what music's all about.
Next, you'll need the correct ligature. Some people think that the ligature
is just a stupid piece of old metal that holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well,
those people are idiots. Besides your beret the ligature is the single most
important piece of musical equipment you will ever buy. Mine, for example, is
40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium and the other plutonium. It
makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would if Booker Ervin were (1) not dead
and (2) on Mars, if (2)(a) there was oxygen on Mars. You may have to spend years
and years and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature, but in the end
it will definitely be worth it.
Now: reeds. Optimally you'll want to move to Cuba, grow, and cure your own
cane and carve your own reeds by hand. If you're just a "weekend warrior,"
however, you can get by with store-bought. First, buy ten boxes of reeds, 100 in
all. Next, open all the boxes and throw away 60 reeds. Those were unplayable.
Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of 27.8 % Alpine spring
water bottled at the source and 72.2 % chicken stock for a period of 17 weeks.
Throw away 20 more reeds. Those were stuffy. Take the remaining 20 reeds and
sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with #1200 grade 3M sandpaper. Throw away
14 reeds. Those squeaked. Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another
17 weeks, this time however in a mixture of 27.7% Pacifica beer and 72.3 %
rubbing alcohol. Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an
equatorial latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles. You now
have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each one only 20
minutes a day in strict rotation.
Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind it is
I'd sell it immediately and get a different one. The best one to get would be a
Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14, 1963, serial number 125543. If you
can't get that one though, generally speaking the older and more expensive the
better. The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI. The following
brands not to be considered: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher,
Yanigasawa, Cannonball, LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey
and Hawkes, Couf, Silvertone, and Holton.
On no account should you play the horn before you buy it. Go strictly on
reputation and price. If you can't get a Mark VI and need further information,
there's some woman who's owned every saxophone ever made, Sherry or Sheryl or
something, and she can probably tells you which one's the best.
You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of withstanding
atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the
density of air and the acceleration due to gravity at the altitude of the air
layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and
infinitesimal thickness; a tuner; a combination alto, tenor, baritone sax stand
with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute, English horn, and bassoon; Band in
a Box; every Jamie Abersold play along record ever created; a reed cutter;
swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope, pad clamps; a Sennheiser Digital 1092
Wireless Microphone; an effects rig with digital delay and parametric EQ; a 200
watt (per channel, minimum) amplifier and 18" monitor; and a metronome.
It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately,
listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can do.
To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to the
beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with chant
and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century pay particular attention to
players like Jimmy Dorsey and Sidney Bechet, the wellsprings of the modern jazz
saxophone. In no time at all, or by 2054, whichever comes first, you'll be able
to understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace Cannon, Boots
Randolph and Grover Washington Jr.
Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers
around.
On this site: href="http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/music/">http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/music/;
are other sorts of humorous things; click back to the index page
Humorous
mis-statements from student papers.
The Origins of Yodeling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a
farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him
that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked
her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to
stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw
in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man
was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she,
too, did not return for an hour.
When she did, her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her
hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into
tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made
such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the
man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his
mouth and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."
Trombone Audition
"Chicago Symphony Orchestra
Selection Committee
220 S. Michigan
Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Gentlemen:
I wish to apply immediately for the job of Second Trombone and I already have
the two trombones. Although I have not played much in an orchestra, I have
played along with lots of classic (no vocal) records. I found that if I slowed
them down a little that the songs automatically went into the flat keeys which
are much easier, but I think I could do the sharp keeys in a short time.
I was a student for several years of Mr. Remington (Buck, not Emory) and then
went with the circus band where my tone really got great. You don't have to
worry about my being able to blast through on the Vogner stuff, that's for sure.
After I watched "10," I got out my horn and worked up a really great solo on
"Bolero". (Do you know that there is a dance by this name too?) Does your
arrangement sound the same all the way through, too? I still have trouble
knowing when to come in with the record, though.
Anyway, I know that if I get the job that the people in Chicago will like my
version, which is do-wop.
Would I have to sit real close to the violins? They never seem to play very
loud, and my tone sort of cuts off if I have to play too soft. It would be best
if I could sit in front of the drums, like in the circus band. Also, I'd kind of
like to sit on the outside so that people could see me.
I am practising every day for the audition and am working on a new thing
called legato, but it's still a little smeary. I think you'll like it though.
But, if your music is anything like this Rubank stuff, it will be a challenge
to my teck... techininuque... tequch... ability. There is a position on
trombones called 5th, but hardly any notes are there. Does your music have many
of these notes, and if so, what are they? I'd like to know all of this before I
pay bus fare down to Chicago.
How much does the job pay?
I'm really looking forward to coming down, but tell me why would I have to
play behind a screen in the winter?
Sincerely,
Slide Rafferty
P.S. I have lots of music stands and probably have one like you guys use, so
that would be a cost saving.
