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FORGIVENESS

Getting over it, mind and body         by Marianne Szegedy-Maszak

 When psychiatrist Edward Hallowell heard about the funeral of a Boston sportswriter, he was told that one person was conspicuously missing from the congregation: the journalist’s former close friend. The two had quarreled several years before and had never reconciled. Now one man was going to his grave without the reassurances of an old friend, while another would be unable to properly grieve a friend’s passing. The story set Hallowell off on a two-year exploration of the phenomenon of human forgiveness. The result is Dare to Forgive (Health Communications), out this week, which examines forgiveness from its biological and psychological perspectives and offers a road map for getting over grudges.

Just what is forgiveness?

Most people would say forgiveness means turning the other cheek, or letting the other person get off scot-free. But it means none of these things. For me, forgiveness means renouncing the hold that anger and resentment have over you. Not that you cease to feel anger and resentment, but you don’t allow them to rule your life.

Are there physical effects of forgiving?

Forgiving someone is at least as beneficial for your health as wearing a seat belt or taking vitamins or losing weight. Walking around with anger and resentment raises your blood pressure and heart rate. It reduces the potency of your immune system. Anger is good for you in the short run; you need to be angry just like you need to sneeze. But prolonged anger is very bad. Nature wired us to do well in the jungle and didn’t anticipate a time when we wouldn’t be in constant danger. We haven’t learned how to control these primitive responses. I offer in the book a good way to control them.

You mention empathy as a strategy.

Yes. Empathy attaches you to the better part of the human condition. A Buddhist monk who was tortured by the Chinese said that the worst part of his torture was his fear that he would lose his empathy for his torturers. Most of us, myself included, aren’t capable of such empathy. But this monk was advanced enough to know that he was at his best in this world when connected to his loving, empathizing function. And if he lost that, then he risked becoming like the people who inflicted torture.

What is the role of forgiveness in the larger world?

Since 9/11, the world seems saturated with vengeance and aggression. But forgiveness is much better because, with it, we become much more clever and effective negotiators and peacemakers.

Americans forgive so regularly in public life that we don’t realize how extraordinary it is. For example, we are about to have a very hard-fought and probably nasty campaign. Yet the day after the election in November, we will accept whoever wins. We won’t have a revolution. We can do it when we want to.